Friday, November 30, 2007
been thinking of the future these days.
i don't know why.
the way things have been going on at home,
i don't think any of my plans will work out.
i probably won't have my parents' support for going to a university in US.
nor will i have the finances.
unless i get a scholarship or sth.
and i dunno why,
these days i just get really really emo at night.
like i'll just cry and cry and cry until i fall asleep.
sometimes it's a while;
sometimes it'll be an hour or so.
i just don't know what my parents want of me.
i do stuff they ask me to: clean up, look after sibs/cuz, do hw, etc.
i do stuff they don't ask me to: wash my own dishes, sorting out my stuff, etc.
but i still get scolded.
they say it's cos i didn't do it well.
but i tried.
i really did.
sometimes i really tried very hard.
but they just don't see it.
even if they don't see my efforts,
i should have at least improved abit.
but no, they just go off nagging at every single thing.
it's like everything i do is wrong.
while everything my sis does is right.
it's not my fault that she can entertaint you all with the piano.
i mean, she learns the piano; i don't.
what do you expect?
then you complain that it's my own fault that i quit piano.
yes, i know that, but you agreed that my hw load was too much.
and it's not like i don't want to learn any other instruments.
you know fairly well that i really want to learn the bass.
but you go off nagging that it's too expensive.
i mean, it's only $600+; the piano's $3000+.
why didn't you say that it's too expensive when you bought the piano?
and i know grandma's chemo costs alot.
and we can barely afford it,
but you shouldn't vent everything at me.
it's just really really unfair.
why must i always be the nice, understanding, sensible, responsible, always-giving-in-to-ppl person?
why can't i fight for what i want at all?
everytime i want sth that my siblings want also,
i have to give it to them.
and when i'm pissed abt that,
you just say "don't be like that, next time i buy for you sth else"
but you never did that.
and i don't think you ever will.
and the way that you care abt my siblings when they fall sick,
why don't you treat me in the same way?
don't say that you do.
cos you didn't.
and it's always like that.
last night when my bro had this cough which lasted for a minute or so in the middle of the night,
you did everything to make him feel better.
you didn't even want to get panadol for me when i had this headache in the middle of the night and couldn't even get out of bed.
it's just really really unfair.
and i don't think you'll ever read this.
you just don't care abt me enough...
i want to know that i am loved by you too.
that is, if you even loved me...
i don't know why.
the way things have been going on at home,
i don't think any of my plans will work out.
i probably won't have my parents' support for going to a university in US.
nor will i have the finances.
unless i get a scholarship or sth.
and i dunno why,
these days i just get really really emo at night.
like i'll just cry and cry and cry until i fall asleep.
sometimes it's a while;
sometimes it'll be an hour or so.
i just don't know what my parents want of me.
i do stuff they ask me to: clean up, look after sibs/cuz, do hw, etc.
i do stuff they don't ask me to: wash my own dishes, sorting out my stuff, etc.
but i still get scolded.
they say it's cos i didn't do it well.
but i tried.
i really did.
sometimes i really tried very hard.
but they just don't see it.
even if they don't see my efforts,
i should have at least improved abit.
but no, they just go off nagging at every single thing.
it's like everything i do is wrong.
while everything my sis does is right.
it's not my fault that she can entertaint you all with the piano.
i mean, she learns the piano; i don't.
what do you expect?
then you complain that it's my own fault that i quit piano.
yes, i know that, but you agreed that my hw load was too much.
and it's not like i don't want to learn any other instruments.
you know fairly well that i really want to learn the bass.
but you go off nagging that it's too expensive.
i mean, it's only $600+; the piano's $3000+.
why didn't you say that it's too expensive when you bought the piano?
and i know grandma's chemo costs alot.
and we can barely afford it,
but you shouldn't vent everything at me.
it's just really really unfair.
why must i always be the nice, understanding, sensible, responsible, always-giving-in-to-ppl person?
why can't i fight for what i want at all?
everytime i want sth that my siblings want also,
i have to give it to them.
and when i'm pissed abt that,
you just say "don't be like that, next time i buy for you sth else"
but you never did that.
and i don't think you ever will.
and the way that you care abt my siblings when they fall sick,
why don't you treat me in the same way?
don't say that you do.
cos you didn't.
and it's always like that.
last night when my bro had this cough which lasted for a minute or so in the middle of the night,
you did everything to make him feel better.
you didn't even want to get panadol for me when i had this headache in the middle of the night and couldn't even get out of bed.
it's just really really unfair.
and i don't think you'll ever read this.
you just don't care abt me enough...
i want to know that i am loved by you too.
that is, if you even loved me...
what we could have been, 8:23 PM.
