happy february 29 :D
as you can see,
i'm trying not to be emo today,
cos the next feb 29 is in 4yrs time,
by which we'll be in JC2 o.O
lol.
and changed skin!
haha.
it looks so happy which makes me abit happier,
which really contradicts what i blog.
lol.
and the links not up yet,
cos have to edit codes again.
anyone wants to relink?
:]

i realise that i never actually understood what you guys were talking about;
cos so many things became secrets among y'all.
secrets that i'm not supposed to know about.
and most of the time,
i try not to notice.
i really try not to think that i'm left out cos you guys are talking about sth that i don't know about.
cos i don't want to be a spoil-sport or anything.
but now i realise that i can't fake it anymore.
nothing really matters now.
i have no idea how i'm feeling,
or what i'm thinking.
i try to put myself in your shoes,
try to change myself to make y'all not feel irritated or whatever,
but it just doesn't feel right, at least to me it doesn't.
i'm trying to make myself fit in,
but the more i try,
the more i feel that y'all are trying to push me out.
cos the deeper the feelings,
the larger the fall.
so i can't afford to go any deeper than this.
i admit,
i'm afraid.
i'm afraid that i'll lose y'all someday.
already, i'm feeling the exclusion from y'all.
eating lunch together;
what good does that do?
i'll still be sitting at the furthest corner,
trying desperately to listen to what happen,
but i can't hear.
eg. today. y'all all know what happened, but i don't.
all i knew was one second jiaying was talking about not listening to them,
and the other second pearl was crying or not?
i really didn't know.
and going to assemblys?
i realise that it's either i have to leave really early and wait for y'all,
or go alone,
cos y'all never waited for me.
once pearl leaves,
y'all leave.
without me.
and even if i wait for you,
in the end,
i'll still be the one walking alone at the back,
looking at y'all socialising with each other,
while i have to change my mindset to: they're not excluding you, they're just engrossed in their own convos.
it worked.
in the past.
but it doesn't now.
now i just tell myself: don't break down. it's not worth it.
i'm not like y'all.
i don't have anyone to spend recesses and lunch with other than y'all.
you guys still have ex-schmates, other cca-mates, juniors, 3rd lang frens, etcetc.
but i only have y'all.
my sqdmates are all closer to the people in their class;
even xinyi, who i'm closest to.
the rest, i don't even have them.
furthermore,
you guys have alot of people to talk to in class as well.
the softballers, the CS ppl, CO ppl, etcetc.
and i'm the only SJ person.
in a way,
i feel like i'm alot like shaun.
nobody to connect to in class.
but he still has his sqdmates, ex-schmates, etcetc.
and i don't.

i just can't take stuff anymore.
i don't know whether it's the way i look at stuff.
maybe i think too much about things.
that day jk cried,
and i cried also,
i said i'm just really sensitive to moods.
but really,
i'm just disappointed at how we're treating him.
maybe you guys have never actually had a nice talk to him before,
but i did.
and i think he's a pretty nice guy.
the way we're treating him,
it's just cruel.
i have no idea whether it's because y'all only see the "scary" side of him,
or whether y'all just plain don't like him,
i dunno, it just hurts me when i try to see us in his POV.
that day jiaying said that the class has been trying to make friends with him since the start of the year, but he just rejects us, we can't help it.
but i don't really see it that way.
the way we try to make friends,
and the way we try to talk to him/about him,
are complete opposites.
yea, sure.
he has another chance to live,
but he has to stayback a year for that.
sure, he should be filled with gratitude and stuff,
but why is he rejecting us?
why are we saying that he's rejecting us when we haven't really tried the correct way of making friends with him?
why are we saying that he is a horrid and short-tempered and evil guy when we don't even know him?
it is possible for him to have friends.
yichen for example.
they talk nicely,
but why can't we talk to him the way yichen talks to him?
i admit,
at first i didn't really like him.
my view of him was very negative,
but slowly,
i started to accept as another person that i recognized,
and a person that i wanted to know more about.
and i realised i didn't have such a negative image of him anymore.
he became another classmate that i didn't really know.
like yichen before this year.
so why can't the rest of the class do that as well?
i'm not trying to question your eq and stuff,
but seriously,
have you ever questioned yourself about why we're treating him this way?
i really dunno about y'all,
but i seriously feel it's unfair to him.
afterall,
he was as much a stranger to us as we were strangers to him.
so yea.
chew on it.

and i don't want any of y'all forcing yourself to change and accept me or whatever.
that's worse than not accepting me.

and to those that know amos,
he's not my bf,
and he's not so much a jerk as you guys make him out as.
you're just discriminating people.

i really dont think we should treat people like that.
no matter what,
they're still humans,
like us.

and humans have feelings.
and feelings get hurt easily.
and we shouldn't hurt others.

so yea.
this is the really simplified post of what a really chim post that i really wanted to post but that will make amanda bang her head on the wall and say I REALLY THINK I BLOG RUBBISH, so yea.
lol.

i'm so frigging mad at my mum right now.
i mean,
taking a shower of 20mins is NORMAL,
when you have to:
shampoo (~1min);
follow the instructions on the shampoo: wait 3-5mins;
soap (~3mins);
facial stuff using:
A) foaming cleanser (~4mins) and
B) some exfloiating mask thingy (>4mins);
dry hair and use conditioner (~2mins);
follow instructions on conditioner: wait 3-5mins;
rinse hair PROPERLY (~2mins)
and dry self and wear clothes.

and i got scolded for showering for 20mins.
bloody hell.

and i tried to see in the same perspective as you,
but nothing looked right...

i'm staring out the window,
and thinking of the past.
But when i reach that memory,
tears start running; fast...

&I don't know what my next step would be...

i seriously feel that i'm living in a parallel universe,

like i'm a ghost or something,

except that the humans can see me.

and i really dunno why i feel this way.

i think i'm losing my senses...



&the greatest fear is waking up one day and realising that you're not really awake...

suddenly feel overwhelmed by everything.
school, home, friends, family.
nth really matters anymore, does it?
in the end,
all i become is something that you all take when you need me and throw when you don't.
ain't it?

school.
we study so much,
spend at least half our lives sitting in classrooms trying to stay awake,
a quarter of our lives cramming for exams,
and at least one-eighth of it worrying abt results.
what for?
in the end we all just die and rot in the coffin.
or grave.

home.
all it is now is just a place for me to sleep in.
i don't really feel the love anymore.
all the tension that's been building up has turned into walls.

family.
what's more to say?
sure.
i love them.
so what?
i'm just the one that inherited all the brains from my parents.
while my sis has all the charms,
and my bro has everything else.
and i've become unimportant.

friends.
i don't know if i have any now.

what i knew of friends seem to be totally wrong.
friends were supposed to be people who are totally honest to each other,
people who don't keep secrets within one another;
humans who understand each other.

but now,
i realise that seven divided by two will always have one extra.
and i realise that i'm the extra one.

i can never understand you all the way i thought i did.
and i'm not sure whether it's you or i that has changed.

friends were supposed to listen to each other's comments,
but i couldn't say a thing when it came to discussions,
cos everything was already planned by you all,
and i had nothing to do but follow.

friends were supposed to be able to solve all problems together,
but i ended up solving the problems between all of you,
and created more problems between me and the rest of you.

friends were supposed to support each other throughout everything,
but i realised that when i needed support the most,
i couldn't tell anyone of you anything,
because we weren't as close as before.

friends were supposed to be the people who i could count on,
more than my parents,
teachers,
or anyone else.
but i found out that when i tried looking for someone i could count on,
all i saw was myself.

i just can't take it anymore.
all the time,
i've been the one trying to fit in.
not alina, natasha, huijun or jiamin;
the later additions to the clique.
once they joined,
the groupings became more clear.
instead of amanda&christine, pearl&christine, amanda&pearl,
it's become amanda&alina, amanda&huijun, amanda&natasha, pearl&natasha, pearl&huijun, pearl&jiamin, amanda& jiamin, amanda&pearl, and very, very rarely, christine&pearl&amanda.
i dunno if you guys see it like that too,
but that's how i feel.

i always end up as the one trailing behind the group,
the one that tries to say something but gets ignored,
the one that no one bothers abt now.

do you even know how i feel when i see you all laughing together,
abt things that you don't want me to know abt?

how i feel when i try to talk to you all,
but all i get is this really cold response?

how i feel when i ask alina a question and she gives me that look that says
"i'm trying to concentrate on the lesson now!, don't disturb me!!!"
but after a while, she can play with dionis with dunno what during the same lesson.

and so what if i'm what you say "in the clique"?
the only time i ever feel slightly like that is when we go out together,
in an even numbered group.
and that isn't even often...

i dunno what i'm supposed to do to really get accepted by everyone "in the clique".
no matter what i try,
it always seems that someone doesn't like it.
and i don't know why either.

and you all can just forget that this post has ever been posted.
i just needed to get it somewhere other than in my mind.
and i can continue being the solitary one in the clique.
i seriously don't mind secrets that i'm not supposed to know abt.
just don't let me know that there is one.
cos it just gives me the feeling that i can't be trusted enough as a friend for me to know it.

and i'm sry for any names in the post.
i don't mean to pin-point anyone,
but i felt that it'll be clearer for the names to be there.
and anyway,
this post is meant to be forgotten.

and as i said in the previous (or previous, previous post,)
the only thing that's changed is that i'm drifting further apart from you all.
it wasn't meant to be a dramatic quote or sth.
it was just how i felt our friendship is like now.

ohyeah.
if you were wondering why i even wanted to post this post.
it's that i realised my blog sorta understands me more that you guys ever will.
and it isn't meant for you all to understand me better.
it's meant for myself to understand me better when i read it again.

and i'm serious when i said forget this post.
i don't wanna ruin the friendship between the rest of you.

&the tears that never stopped flowing...

&the only thing that's changed is that i'm drifting further apart...

change.
1 word, 1 sylable, 5 letters.
but very, very important.

human beings revolve around it.
animals revolve around it.
the whole wide world revolves around it.

but nobody notices it.

that is,
until it's too late.

change.
the word that makes, or breaks, relationships.
the word that draws the line between love and hate.

the thing that is insignificant,
but play a gigantic part to our lives.
and no one bothers abt it.

or do we?

we realise that change is what's going on all the time,
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, and for eternity.

and yet nobody really sees it as important.

change.
sometimes doesn't come the way we want it too.
we never know how or when it wil come,
or whether its for the better or worst.

people change.
and we hate it.
cos we're not used to the way they're behaving.

friends.
we thought we knew them.
inside and out.
but then change comes,
and suddenly,
we feel betrayed.
for we don't like the "new" friend that's here.

and you want them to change back.

but more often than not,
the person that changes is you.
the person that needs changing is you.

we have to change our mindset on changes.
something that doesn't seem good at first might seem a whole load better after looking at it from another angle.

changing our mindsets:
something so simple to do,
yet people don't wanna do it.

for sheer unwillingless of the extra effort we need to put for changing,
we don't wanna do it.

simple, yet ironic.

changing ourselves:
comes in two ways:
1. determination to change for what we think is for the better;
2. influence from other people.

more often than not,
it's point 2.
but we don't realise it.
because we think we're always right.

and because of that mindset,
we always think that we change for the better.
and misunderstanding sets in.
for people don't always see the way you do.
even in best friends,
there's gonna be misunderstandings.

and little misunderstandings if not talked out,
will become big misunderstandings,
then will become conflicts,
and blahblahblah,
and in the end,
will become a grudge.
no matter whether it's buried or not.
it has existed and always will.
thus, take the extra effort to apologise and talk things through.

change.
something that i'm trying to understand,
and overcome.

by writing this post,
i have changed.

i've changed the way i think about change.

ty for reading this ultra long post. :)

&I finally got the guts,
but you're long gone...

FRIDAY!
UG campfire.
did many many stuff.
SMACK COCKROACHES DANCE!
lol.
hyperhyperhyper squad.
<33 std 2'08 :D

SATURDAY!
sj lunch!
haha.
SEOUL GARDEN!
cooked 3 plates of meat with yongsheng XD
damn fun. and damn nice to eat.
lol.
AND KAISENG TABLE DAMN ...-ISH
a little burnt grilled meat cannot eat meh?
rah.
&bought a rubik's cube that trains muscles XDXD

SUNDAY!
family gathering!
SASHIMI YU SHENG!
damndamndamn nice :)
haha.
first time won money in blackjack.
damn funny.

and roar.
hw not done yet.
die.

i really don't think you should have said that yesterday.
if you just apologised, everything would be fine;
if you didn't push the blame, everything would be fine;
if only you did...
and now we're but friends who have nothing else to say...



it's VALENTINES! and nothing went right.

FIRST: i couldn't go on a "date" with my bff (no, it's not a typo.)
SECOND: the cookies zhenting gave me disappeared. i'm not blaming ppl, but i suspect is pufferfish.
THIRD: i couldn't finish writing the cards :X
FOURTH: was late for UG briefing cos 4K classroom went missing
FIFTH: FIRST AID DUTY. everything was wrong :/
SIXTH: i forgot what went wrong D:

and ty to ZHENTING (for the card & the cookie i nvr got), AMANDA (for the card :D), JIAMIN (for the chips and candy), JIAYING (for the candy!), ANGSHUANG (for the card :D) and whoever else. i can't rmb :X

&love is but a funeral march for happiness...

and it shall be another lonely valentine.


two more days to go...

lala.
i win money in mahjong.
illegal gambling :X

lala.
dun feel like continuing the death thingy until when i'm emo.
(which i'm not now *rejoice, amanda!*)
cny tmr!
stuck in msia,
playing maple (ty to cuz); nintendo wii (ty to cuz); mahjong *ty to anyone who wants me to play); gameboy (ty to my addiction); and shopping :D
probably going angpow collecting all of tmr.
happy cny ppl!

ps: pearl, did you get the book?

had this sudden question that i think no one alive can answer:
how does death feel like?

it's like there are many meanings of death,
most of which depicts it as sad/a relief from pain/unfeeling.

but what if death is exactly like life?
what if all the meanings created by man is untrue,
and death is just life in another world,
a world that is a mirror of ours,
with the same sufferings and pain?

then what happens to the people who die?
the sick - will it be a comfort to them? to be relieved from the pain?

or what?

- continue next time i'm online.
currently under the eye of my sis.
damn.

and i'm standing outside in the rain;
but the party's inside,
and i'm watching from the window dripping with rain...

Profile

CHRISTINE(:
♥ Edward Cullen
turns older on 18 October
and is currently studying at DHS :D
Child of God
& ♥s her CG (LOL of WEFC)

Loves & Hates

LOVES:

HIM
The Twilight Series
Edward Cullen
Rocking xD
Going to the theatres
Shopping
Being alone in my room
Reading
My Clique♥
My hamsters :D
My Squad(:
House of the Dead 4 X:
My imagination;
My secret world ♥

HATES:

Being interupted when reading
Being lied to
Betrayals
Bitches
The darkness that looms at the edge of happiness