Thursday, February 28, 2008
i realise that i never actually understood what you guys were talking about;
cos so many things became secrets among y'all.
secrets that i'm not supposed to know about.
and most of the time,
i try not to notice.
i really try not to think that i'm left out cos you guys are talking about sth that i don't know about.
cos i don't want to be a spoil-sport or anything.
but now i realise that i can't fake it anymore.
nothing really matters now.
i have no idea how i'm feeling,
or what i'm thinking.
i try to put myself in your shoes,
try to change myself to make y'all not feel irritated or whatever,
but it just doesn't feel right, at least to me it doesn't.
i'm trying to make myself fit in,
but the more i try,
the more i feel that y'all are trying to push me out.
cos the deeper the feelings,
the larger the fall.
so i can't afford to go any deeper than this.
i admit,
i'm afraid.
i'm afraid that i'll lose y'all someday.
already, i'm feeling the exclusion from y'all.
eating lunch together;
what good does that do?
i'll still be sitting at the furthest corner,
trying desperately to listen to what happen,
but i can't hear.
eg. today. y'all all know what happened, but i don't.
all i knew was one second jiaying was talking about not listening to them,
and the other second pearl was crying or not?
i really didn't know.
and going to assemblys?
i realise that it's either i have to leave really early and wait for y'all,
or go alone,
cos y'all never waited for me.
once pearl leaves,
y'all leave.
without me.
and even if i wait for you,
in the end,
i'll still be the one walking alone at the back,
looking at y'all socialising with each other,
while i have to change my mindset to: they're not excluding you, they're just engrossed in their own convos.
it worked.
in the past.
but it doesn't now.
now i just tell myself: don't break down. it's not worth it.
i'm not like y'all.
i don't have anyone to spend recesses and lunch with other than y'all.
you guys still have ex-schmates, other cca-mates, juniors, 3rd lang frens, etcetc.
but i only have y'all.
my sqdmates are all closer to the people in their class;
even xinyi, who i'm closest to.
the rest, i don't even have them.
furthermore,
you guys have alot of people to talk to in class as well.
the softballers, the CS ppl, CO ppl, etcetc.
and i'm the only SJ person.
in a way,
i feel like i'm alot like shaun.
nobody to connect to in class.
but he still has his sqdmates, ex-schmates, etcetc.
and i don't.
i just can't take stuff anymore.
i don't know whether it's the way i look at stuff.
maybe i think too much about things.
that day jk cried,
and i cried also,
i said i'm just really sensitive to moods.
but really,
i'm just disappointed at how we're treating him.
maybe you guys have never actually had a nice talk to him before,
but i did.
and i think he's a pretty nice guy.
the way we're treating him,
it's just cruel.
i have no idea whether it's because y'all only see the "scary" side of him,
or whether y'all just plain don't like him,
i dunno, it just hurts me when i try to see us in his POV.
that day jiaying said that the class has been trying to make friends with him since the start of the year, but he just rejects us, we can't help it.
but i don't really see it that way.
the way we try to make friends,
and the way we try to talk to him/about him,
are complete opposites.
yea, sure.
he has another chance to live,
but he has to stayback a year for that.
sure, he should be filled with gratitude and stuff,
but why is he rejecting us?
why are we saying that he's rejecting us when we haven't really tried the correct way of making friends with him?
why are we saying that he is a horrid and short-tempered and evil guy when we don't even know him?
it is possible for him to have friends.
yichen for example.
they talk nicely,
but why can't we talk to him the way yichen talks to him?
i admit,
at first i didn't really like him.
my view of him was very negative,
but slowly,
i started to accept as another person that i recognized,
and a person that i wanted to know more about.
and i realised i didn't have such a negative image of him anymore.
he became another classmate that i didn't really know.
like yichen before this year.
so why can't the rest of the class do that as well?
i'm not trying to question your eq and stuff,
but seriously,
have you ever questioned yourself about why we're treating him this way?
i really dunno about y'all,
but i seriously feel it's unfair to him.
afterall,
he was as much a stranger to us as we were strangers to him.
so yea.
chew on it.
and i don't want any of y'all forcing yourself to change and accept me or whatever.
that's worse than not accepting me.
and to those that know amos,
he's not my bf,
and he's not so much a jerk as you guys make him out as.
you're just discriminating people.
cos so many things became secrets among y'all.
secrets that i'm not supposed to know about.
and most of the time,
i try not to notice.
i really try not to think that i'm left out cos you guys are talking about sth that i don't know about.
cos i don't want to be a spoil-sport or anything.
but now i realise that i can't fake it anymore.
nothing really matters now.
i have no idea how i'm feeling,
or what i'm thinking.
i try to put myself in your shoes,
try to change myself to make y'all not feel irritated or whatever,
but it just doesn't feel right, at least to me it doesn't.
i'm trying to make myself fit in,
but the more i try,
the more i feel that y'all are trying to push me out.
cos the deeper the feelings,
the larger the fall.
so i can't afford to go any deeper than this.
i admit,
i'm afraid.
i'm afraid that i'll lose y'all someday.
already, i'm feeling the exclusion from y'all.
eating lunch together;
what good does that do?
i'll still be sitting at the furthest corner,
trying desperately to listen to what happen,
but i can't hear.
eg. today. y'all all know what happened, but i don't.
all i knew was one second jiaying was talking about not listening to them,
and the other second pearl was crying or not?
i really didn't know.
and going to assemblys?
i realise that it's either i have to leave really early and wait for y'all,
or go alone,
cos y'all never waited for me.
once pearl leaves,
y'all leave.
without me.
and even if i wait for you,
in the end,
i'll still be the one walking alone at the back,
looking at y'all socialising with each other,
while i have to change my mindset to: they're not excluding you, they're just engrossed in their own convos.
it worked.
in the past.
but it doesn't now.
now i just tell myself: don't break down. it's not worth it.
i'm not like y'all.
i don't have anyone to spend recesses and lunch with other than y'all.
you guys still have ex-schmates, other cca-mates, juniors, 3rd lang frens, etcetc.
but i only have y'all.
my sqdmates are all closer to the people in their class;
even xinyi, who i'm closest to.
the rest, i don't even have them.
furthermore,
you guys have alot of people to talk to in class as well.
the softballers, the CS ppl, CO ppl, etcetc.
and i'm the only SJ person.
in a way,
i feel like i'm alot like shaun.
nobody to connect to in class.
but he still has his sqdmates, ex-schmates, etcetc.
and i don't.
i just can't take stuff anymore.
i don't know whether it's the way i look at stuff.
maybe i think too much about things.
that day jk cried,
and i cried also,
i said i'm just really sensitive to moods.
but really,
i'm just disappointed at how we're treating him.
maybe you guys have never actually had a nice talk to him before,
but i did.
and i think he's a pretty nice guy.
the way we're treating him,
it's just cruel.
i have no idea whether it's because y'all only see the "scary" side of him,
or whether y'all just plain don't like him,
i dunno, it just hurts me when i try to see us in his POV.
that day jiaying said that the class has been trying to make friends with him since the start of the year, but he just rejects us, we can't help it.
but i don't really see it that way.
the way we try to make friends,
and the way we try to talk to him/about him,
are complete opposites.
yea, sure.
he has another chance to live,
but he has to stayback a year for that.
sure, he should be filled with gratitude and stuff,
but why is he rejecting us?
why are we saying that he's rejecting us when we haven't really tried the correct way of making friends with him?
why are we saying that he is a horrid and short-tempered and evil guy when we don't even know him?
it is possible for him to have friends.
yichen for example.
they talk nicely,
but why can't we talk to him the way yichen talks to him?
i admit,
at first i didn't really like him.
my view of him was very negative,
but slowly,
i started to accept as another person that i recognized,
and a person that i wanted to know more about.
and i realised i didn't have such a negative image of him anymore.
he became another classmate that i didn't really know.
like yichen before this year.
so why can't the rest of the class do that as well?
i'm not trying to question your eq and stuff,
but seriously,
have you ever questioned yourself about why we're treating him this way?
i really dunno about y'all,
but i seriously feel it's unfair to him.
afterall,
he was as much a stranger to us as we were strangers to him.
so yea.
chew on it.
and i don't want any of y'all forcing yourself to change and accept me or whatever.
that's worse than not accepting me.
and to those that know amos,
he's not my bf,
and he's not so much a jerk as you guys make him out as.
you're just discriminating people.
what we could have been, 8:22 PM.
