Thursday, February 21, 2008
suddenly feel overwhelmed by everything.
school, home, friends, family.
nth really matters anymore, does it?
in the end,
all i become is something that you all take when you need me and throw when you don't.
ain't it?
school.
we study so much,
spend at least half our lives sitting in classrooms trying to stay awake,
a quarter of our lives cramming for exams,
and at least one-eighth of it worrying abt results.
what for?
in the end we all just die and rot in the coffin.
or grave.
home.
all it is now is just a place for me to sleep in.
i don't really feel the love anymore.
all the tension that's been building up has turned into walls.
family.
what's more to say?
sure.
i love them.
so what?
i'm just the one that inherited all the brains from my parents.
while my sis has all the charms,
and my bro has everything else.
and i've become unimportant.
friends.
i don't know if i have any now.
what i knew of friends seem to be totally wrong.
friends were supposed to be people who are totally honest to each other,
people who don't keep secrets within one another;
humans who understand each other.
but now,
i realise that seven divided by two will always have one extra.
and i realise that i'm the extra one.
i can never understand you all the way i thought i did.
and i'm not sure whether it's you or i that has changed.
friends were supposed to listen to each other's comments,
but i couldn't say a thing when it came to discussions,
cos everything was already planned by you all,
and i had nothing to do but follow.
friends were supposed to be able to solve all problems together,
but i ended up solving the problems between all of you,
and created more problems between me and the rest of you.
friends were supposed to support each other throughout everything,
but i realised that when i needed support the most,
i couldn't tell anyone of you anything,
because we weren't as close as before.
friends were supposed to be the people who i could count on,
more than my parents,
teachers,
or anyone else.
but i found out that when i tried looking for someone i could count on,
all i saw was myself.
i just can't take it anymore.
all the time,
i've been the one trying to fit in.
not alina, natasha, huijun or jiamin;
the later additions to the clique.
once they joined,
the groupings became more clear.
instead of amanda&christine, pearl&christine, amanda&pearl,
it's become amanda&alina, amanda&huijun, amanda&natasha, pearl&natasha, pearl&huijun, pearl&jiamin, amanda& jiamin, amanda&pearl, and very, very rarely, christine&pearl&amanda.
i dunno if you guys see it like that too,
but that's how i feel.
i always end up as the one trailing behind the group,
the one that tries to say something but gets ignored,
the one that no one bothers abt now.
do you even know how i feel when i see you all laughing together,
abt things that you don't want me to know abt?
how i feel when i try to talk to you all,
but all i get is this really cold response?
how i feel when i ask alina a question and she gives me that look that says
"i'm trying to concentrate on the lesson now!, don't disturb me!!!"
but after a while, she can play with dionis with dunno what during the same lesson.
and so what if i'm what you say "in the clique"?
the only time i ever feel slightly like that is when we go out together,
in an even numbered group.
and that isn't even often...
i dunno what i'm supposed to do to really get accepted by everyone "in the clique".
no matter what i try,
it always seems that someone doesn't like it.
and i don't know why either.
and you all can just forget that this post has ever been posted.
i just needed to get it somewhere other than in my mind.
and i can continue being the solitary one in the clique.
i seriously don't mind secrets that i'm not supposed to know abt.
just don't let me know that there is one.
cos it just gives me the feeling that i can't be trusted enough as a friend for me to know it.
and i'm sry for any names in the post.
i don't mean to pin-point anyone,
but i felt that it'll be clearer for the names to be there.
and anyway,
this post is meant to be forgotten.
and as i said in the previous (or previous, previous post,)
the only thing that's changed is that i'm drifting further apart from you all.
it wasn't meant to be a dramatic quote or sth.
it was just how i felt our friendship is like now.
ohyeah.
if you were wondering why i even wanted to post this post.
it's that i realised my blog sorta understands me more that you guys ever will.
and it isn't meant for you all to understand me better.
it's meant for myself to understand me better when i read it again.
and i'm serious when i said forget this post.
i don't wanna ruin the friendship between the rest of you.
&the tears that never stopped flowing...
school, home, friends, family.
nth really matters anymore, does it?
in the end,
all i become is something that you all take when you need me and throw when you don't.
ain't it?
school.
we study so much,
spend at least half our lives sitting in classrooms trying to stay awake,
a quarter of our lives cramming for exams,
and at least one-eighth of it worrying abt results.
what for?
in the end we all just die and rot in the coffin.
or grave.
home.
all it is now is just a place for me to sleep in.
i don't really feel the love anymore.
all the tension that's been building up has turned into walls.
family.
what's more to say?
sure.
i love them.
so what?
i'm just the one that inherited all the brains from my parents.
while my sis has all the charms,
and my bro has everything else.
and i've become unimportant.
friends.
i don't know if i have any now.
what i knew of friends seem to be totally wrong.
friends were supposed to be people who are totally honest to each other,
people who don't keep secrets within one another;
humans who understand each other.
but now,
i realise that seven divided by two will always have one extra.
and i realise that i'm the extra one.
i can never understand you all the way i thought i did.
and i'm not sure whether it's you or i that has changed.
friends were supposed to listen to each other's comments,
but i couldn't say a thing when it came to discussions,
cos everything was already planned by you all,
and i had nothing to do but follow.
friends were supposed to be able to solve all problems together,
but i ended up solving the problems between all of you,
and created more problems between me and the rest of you.
friends were supposed to support each other throughout everything,
but i realised that when i needed support the most,
i couldn't tell anyone of you anything,
because we weren't as close as before.
friends were supposed to be the people who i could count on,
more than my parents,
teachers,
or anyone else.
but i found out that when i tried looking for someone i could count on,
all i saw was myself.
i just can't take it anymore.
all the time,
i've been the one trying to fit in.
not alina, natasha, huijun or jiamin;
the later additions to the clique.
once they joined,
the groupings became more clear.
instead of amanda&christine, pearl&christine, amanda&pearl,
it's become amanda&alina, amanda&huijun, amanda&natasha, pearl&natasha, pearl&huijun, pearl&jiamin, amanda& jiamin, amanda&pearl, and very, very rarely, christine&pearl&amanda.
i dunno if you guys see it like that too,
but that's how i feel.
i always end up as the one trailing behind the group,
the one that tries to say something but gets ignored,
the one that no one bothers abt now.
do you even know how i feel when i see you all laughing together,
abt things that you don't want me to know abt?
how i feel when i try to talk to you all,
but all i get is this really cold response?
how i feel when i ask alina a question and she gives me that look that says
"i'm trying to concentrate on the lesson now!, don't disturb me!!!"
but after a while, she can play with dionis with dunno what during the same lesson.
and so what if i'm what you say "in the clique"?
the only time i ever feel slightly like that is when we go out together,
in an even numbered group.
and that isn't even often...
i dunno what i'm supposed to do to really get accepted by everyone "in the clique".
no matter what i try,
it always seems that someone doesn't like it.
and i don't know why either.
and you all can just forget that this post has ever been posted.
i just needed to get it somewhere other than in my mind.
and i can continue being the solitary one in the clique.
i seriously don't mind secrets that i'm not supposed to know abt.
just don't let me know that there is one.
cos it just gives me the feeling that i can't be trusted enough as a friend for me to know it.
and i'm sry for any names in the post.
i don't mean to pin-point anyone,
but i felt that it'll be clearer for the names to be there.
and anyway,
this post is meant to be forgotten.
and as i said in the previous (or previous, previous post,)
the only thing that's changed is that i'm drifting further apart from you all.
it wasn't meant to be a dramatic quote or sth.
it was just how i felt our friendship is like now.
ohyeah.
if you were wondering why i even wanted to post this post.
it's that i realised my blog sorta understands me more that you guys ever will.
and it isn't meant for you all to understand me better.
it's meant for myself to understand me better when i read it again.
and i'm serious when i said forget this post.
i don't wanna ruin the friendship between the rest of you.
&the tears that never stopped flowing...
what we could have been, 8:39 PM.
