Sunday, December 21, 2008
i'm trying not to think.
because thinking would make it feel so much worst.
but i have to face it.
because unless i face it,
i won't be able to overcome it.
do i make sense?
i don't know.
everything is like a whirlwind now:
JNCO's over.
it's supposed to be full of memories, full of tears.
but it was... just our sqd i think,
full of laughter,
sadistic humour,
squad spirit.
love. brothers, sisters, squadmates.
family.
my dad's back.
everything seems normal.
except i'm looking through a screen again.
it's that i know i'm part of it but it's not for me feeling.
that invisible barrier;
i hope i'll overcome it.
soon.
emotions.
a flurry of.
"your strength is that you can keep calm even when it's chaos, but when you lose it, you're gone."
there's probably no problem with that.
except that i don't know when i'm gonna snap.
i don't know whether my "calm" is supposed to be good.
i don't know whether i'm bottling too much of my emotions,
storing it somewhere until a really stressful situation makes me snap.
i don't know whether what i'm feeling now is the shadow of a past emotion,
or the jumbling up of all the emotions that built up.
i'm just veryvery confused.
God.
i really need to feel Him with me.
i need His support,
His encouragement.
but am I still in touch with Him?
am I asking too much.
-----
thinking.
it feels so abstract,
so far away.
i'm trying not to philosophise,
but the more i try to run away from it,
the harder i fall when the problem catches up.
beneath all the masks,
who am I?
what am I like?
which is the real me?
the snapping point-
so close, yet so easy to step far away from it.
what we could have been, 10:06 PM.
